Tapas

In Sanskrit, the language of yoga, tapas means a fiery discipline.  When I hear this term, though, all I can think of is happy hour with lovely little plates of delicious food.  And that right there may be why my yoga teacher trainer didn't seem to like me much.

In spite of my natural inclinations running to drinking, napping and consuming copious calories, I've been trying to the instill a little more tapas into my life.  I've completed two weeks of 5k training and I am feeling great about it!  I am doing a couch to 5k program.  The gradual buildups of distance and speed have kept me motivated and feeling positive.  At least three times per week I have been hitting the pavement.  Today I wasn't feeling great due to too little sleep, but I still loaded the kids into the car and took the chance of a dropping them off at the gym daycare.  This is hit or miss, but today it was totally a hit.  They had fun playing and I got my run in.  Win win.

I'm not only working hard to cultivate this tapas spirit for me, but for my kiddos too.  When Milo sees me heading out the door to "practice for my race" as he calls my workouts, he is learning that everything we want to be good at takes practice.  Accomplishments don't come easily.  To achieve a goal we need to have a fiery discipline to take us across the finish line.  Only then can we enjoy happy hour.

Catching Up

It seems like this fall has flown right by. There are a couple of reasons for that:

• I am pregnant (right now 34 weeks so). I had forgotten how pregnancy is a kind of time warp of keeping track of weeks, frequent doctor's appointments and lots of glorious naps. We're (baby and I) both doing well. Baby is measuring right on target and has been head down for the last several appointments. I might be in a little bit of denial about just HOW pregnant I am. For the longest time and still occasionally I keep thinking, but I'm not all that far along. Now, I'm that far along - we only have six weeks to go!
• During this time I completed my yoga training. This has long been a goal of mine and I am so proud of myself for finishing it. I look forward to continuing to learn and grow as a teacher, but the first major step is done. The year-long training experience was amazing - a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and reflection. I had moments of doubt throughout, but I am so glad I did it.
• We have done several really fun family things this fall - hiking in southeast Ohio, pumpkin picking, apple picking, days at various parks and fall festivals. Milo is such a joy right now. He's easy going and fun. He can communicate and reason. It's been a great season together.

So that has been our fall - it's been a beautiful season in both the literal sense and the this time of our life sense.

Monkey Chatter

My little boy is climbing back down the evolutionary path and acting positively primate like. He is a climbing machine! Up and down chairs, tables and any other structure that will hold still. On playgrounds he is reaching higher and higher heights.

A few months back I wondered why he was content to stay on the ground when his peers were already climbers. Clearly he was just biding time and improving his climbing skills because he is now scampering around tall platforms like it's his job. And scaring his Mama just a bit in the process.

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In yoga we sometimes talk about the monkey chatter that takes place in every one's head. It's that feeling of voices in your head going from thought to thought to yet another thought. In some lights, yoga is a way to still those thoughts and instead focus on just one thought. It's harder to do than it seems and we all need practice at just being. We are not our thoughts and our thoughts are not us.

A Goal Beginning to be Realized

Continuing on with the meditation and yoga course I took over the last few months, I've started a teaching training class to be RYT-200 certified (aka a real yoga teacher). It's something I've been contemplating and working toward and then moving away from for years. I even taught for several months, thought about pursuing again before getting pregnant with Milo and am just now catching my breath. It's been a work in progress and will continue to be a process because I won't graduate from my class until November. I'm actually thankful for these delays because it reminds me yoga is something I always come back to. It's something of a signpost in my life. Plus yoga itself is a process and it is no shock to me that coming to the discipline has been a journey in itself.

The curriculum is rich in yoga philosophy, asana and tradition. I have monthly weekend trainings in addition to home practice and attending other classes. There is assigned and homework to be completed. I'm excited about the material and the opportunity. And I look forward to seeing where this rung of my yoga journey will lead.

Back to the Mat

It seems I write this post every couple of months. How I get really into practicing yoga, realize how wonderful it is for me and how good I feel when I have an active practice, and then life gets in the way and I lose sight of this, only to find my way back again when daily events find me seeking balance. I should know by now that yoga is essential to my well being, but somehow I often forget that. After I was cleared for exercise back in May, I spent some of Milo's nap times doing modified sun salutations in the living room. Then I went back to work and making time for yoga was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I'm home with the little guy again and have decided I need a practice that is more structured than I can do on my own.

Yoga, for me, is a great physical escape. I really value the way my body feels stretched and strong after a good session. More than the physical, though, is the spiritual and introspective for me. My time on the mat is the primary time I set aside for thinking, for feeling and for putting emotions into perspective. When yoga is missing from my life, I don't have just tight muscles, I have blurred thinking.

So today, I ventured out to a class. It wasn't the best class I have ever attended, but prior to class, the instructor handed out a piece of paper with the following words on it:
Peace...
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
As I read those words I realized why I was at class. That was exactly the message I needed to hear today and the nudge I needed to make sure yoga gets back to a priority in my life.

Different

I've mentioned before how important yoga practice is to me in general and how it has been a source of comfort throughout this pregnancy. It's been a growing experience for me, to accept what this changed body can do and work with that rather than forcing movement that just isn't possible right now. I've had to breathe my way through poses that in the past would have come much more easily, but having to work within my new realm of body and mind has been more beneficial than just arriving easily in poses. I certainly look forward to getting "my" body back and moving more easily, but this time of moving for two and sharing my body has been enlightening.

This picture was taken about two years ago after a morning of hiking near Las Vegas. I remember pushing effortlessly into full wheel and having little problem holding the pose (on a rock, none the less) while the picture was taken. While my form isn't exactly correct, I've always found it to be a gorgeous pose.

Now, I wouldn't even attempt wheel (not only could I not do it, but it wouldn't be safe), but do find that reverse table is a passable substitute. The form here is not ideal in the least, but then I'm 36 weeks pregnant and not going for ideal. I just want to maintain some strength and flexibility as I prepare for labor, birth and motherhood. Nothing comes without effort these days, but the very act of making the effort is part of the practice and part of accepting where I am and where I am going.

Spring

Each year, I tend to jump the gun on the spring season. I was reminded of this when for some reason I received a magazine from the American Horticultural Society at work the other day. It featured veg gardening tips and I immediately got excited until my boss reminded me to wait until at least two weeks after I want to to actually start planting. I know that is the best thing to do, I just get so anxious to get out there and start the garden.

This morning as I was gazing out the window, trying to balance a 9 month pregnant belly in tree pose and focusing on the real trees for inspiration, I noticed buds on our Tulip Poplar. Then I remembered that the spring equinox is only four weeks away...it's March 20, the same day as Olive's expected due date. And suddenly I am even more excited for spring this year.

A New Outlook on a Basic

Cat / cow was a yoga pose I typically would rush through in the past. If I was practicing at home on my own, I would sometimes skip it all together. If I was a participant in a class, I would do the motion, but not really be in the pose. When I was leading class, I would demonstrate the movement and then watch the participants do the pose rather than continuing to do it myself. There was just something about the slowness of the movement that I had trouble connecting with. If I was in the mood for a tough practice, I would rush through it to get to something where I could feel the burn and build heat with. If I was doing a relaxing practice, I still wouldn't concentrate on cat / cow and would instead opt for deep leg stretches or hip openers. Sure, I would do lip service to the pose, as I knew it to be a great way to warm up the spine, but it just wasn't on my top 10 list.

Now, however, eight months into a pregnancy where my only real physical complaint is back pain, I can't get enough of cat / cow. I do it almost each morning and each night. Sometimes at work, I hang out in a bathroom stall to do a standing version of the pose. Where I used to abhor the pace of the posture, now, I adore the slowness of the movement. The release through the back is amazing as I slowly round and arch the spine. I concentrate on starting the movement in the tailbone and visualize each vertebrate separating and releasing, ending the movement with my head. I of course, knew this was the point all along, but now something has clicked and I actually feel the movement. Oh, and it really helps the back pain too.

Body Issues

I have friends who worry out loud about the changes pregnancy will have on their bodies. Before getting pregnant this just wasn't a worry to me. I've never been small and have always had curves, so I didn't think adding on a few pounds would mess with my head too much. After all, the weight gain and the physical changes are for the purpose of nurturing a new life and if pregnancy teaches you anything, it teaches you not to be selfish.

So it's been surprising to me these last few months, to find that gaining 20 pounds in 6 months really has messed with my head. Having the full baby belly is very cool and life-affirming, but having the full baby thighs, butt and arms is a little less miraculous. I really didn't think I would react this way to the weight gain, but it's been challenging to stop 15 years of worrying about the number on the scale.

As always, my old friend yoga really helps me get through the days I just feel huge. Breathing, looking inward and focusing on what my can do is a reminder that it's about more than physical and superficial changes to the body. And if I get too wrapped up in my head, a gentle kick has the power to remind me that the weight gain just doesn't matter.

Bones

Last night I finally made it back to the yoga mat. For one reason or another, I hadn't practiced in two or three weeks. I sorely missed it. Not just because I'm happier, calmer and have an overall better sense of well being when I maintain an active practice, but I was also just sore. These muscles need to stretch around these bones.

Lately I've come to realize just how important healthy bones are to a person, especially to women. Two weekends ago, my grandmother fell and broke - shattered, actually - her hip and her wrist. I saw her at the hospital after the surgery to help repair the breaks and immediately went home to take a calcium supplement.

I thought of this all last night as my yoga teacher was lecturing the class on the safety of headstand prep. Headstand, and all yoga inversions, are widely beneficial to the body, but they can also be dangerous, so it's important to work up to the pose. One of the benefits of headstand is that the pose strengthens the top part of the spine. While the teacher was introducing the pose, she mentioned she works with seniors and has seen an epidemic of hunched shoulders and curved necks due to osteoporosis of the spine. Then she said, most of that generation of women never got the chance to mindfully do weight bearing exercise to help stave off osteoporosis.

It was an aha moment for me...of course, my grandmothers at the age of 30 didn't spend a Wednesday evening enjoying a night of yoga. They had kids to tend to and a house to run. Sure, they got plenty of exercise working in the yard and maintaining a home, but I don't think they were pondering the benefits of headstand. I felt at once humbled and proud. I know in these bones of mine, how lucky I am that these women went before me. I now have the opportunity to practice yoga and maintain a home. So I can benefit both from their experience and from headstand.

Just Two

My next session of yoga started today and I was sad to see my group go from about six to eight people all the way down to two people. I'm not sure if the recent nicer weather had something to with the shift down in numbers, or if it is something I have done. I've gotten attached to this group I've been leading since October and it has been hard to see the numbers go down over the months. I've had two guys struck down with back injuries. While this doesn't speak well for my teaching abilities, I don't think either of these problems have been my fault.

A part of me thinks I have been pushing this group a little too hard. It's been hard to find a good balance between the class participants. Some are older and not in great shape and some are younger and are looking for more of a challenge. I've been offering a lot of modifications, but people don't always take the suggestions. I've been striving to create a safe and judgement-free atmosphere in our class, but students do sometimes push their edge further than they should.

Today, with my only two participants, I made an extra effort to slow down and focus on breathing. We held poses longer. I sprinkled in more yoga philosophy. We practiced alternate nostril breathing. Even with two people, it was a great class and I was happy to share the experience with them. It reminded me that sometimes in yoga and in life, we have to slow down and take stock before we can move forward.

Passion at Work

The other day I met a man who was so clearly passionate about what he does, that it made me smile. Well, first I wondered if the guy was for real, then I stepped back from the judgement and thought that even if he was faking his level of excitement, I should give him some credit for being so convincing. As this man poured me a glass a wine and lovingly talked about the mission of his concept, I couldn't help but to be jealous. To have that level of commitment and devotion to a job is not something I easily relate to at this point in my life.

Then this weekend, I took the second level of my journey to become an official yoga teacher or RYT-200. As I folded, twisted and inhaled and exhaled my way through the two-day class, I thought this is where that passion for me lies.

While for right now, the cubicle-dwelling me is the one who pays the bills, I also know there is another part of me who is being strengthened by beginning on a yogic journey. I'm not sure where it will take me, but I hope one day I can pour someone a glass of wine and lovingly describe the mission of a work for which I have a passion.

Trying to Spring to It

Despite the traces of snow on the cars and ground this morning, today is the first day of Spring. I can't frickin wait to greet the season again. Sun. Gardening. Fresh veggies. Long walks marveling at the daily changes in my neighborhood. Daffodils. Tulips. That amazing iris in our backyard which was such a nice surprise last Spring. Seems to me it should be in full bloom around Mother's Day. Which from this vantage point is a long way off.

The transition from winter to spring is a tough one. It's an awakening, but a gradual one. Just as I can't seem to jolt out of bed in the mornings, Spring can't seem to come all at once. Like my hitting the snooze button four times, Spring takes some false starts, some rainy, and even snowy days, before it really arrives.


Today in my yoga class, we'll be focusing on easing this transition from lethargic winter to energetic spring. We'll hold poses longer and focus on postures which help to alleviate the build up of mucus in our bodies. I'll talk about spring diets and the wonder of the neti pot. For those following along at home, check out this article.

Happy Spring to all, but remember to cut yourself some slack if you are feeling tired, down or stuffy. Like our homes, some of us need a good cleaning before we can really embrace the season.

Opening the Heart

Because Valentine’s Day fell on my regular yoga class, I promised the group an evening of heart opening poses. One woman thought I meant open heart surgery, so I had to change the terminology to widening through the chest. Maybe because of this lingo challenge, I only had four people show up. However, we had a great time. We worked a lot on cobra, tried our best at half moon modified to against the wall and then on our knees and half of the class tried camel.

The physical asana was interesting and felt great, but the really intriguing part was the conversation after the class. When you open the heart in many yoga poses, you are also opening the throat and communication center. I wasn't totally surprised to hear then the things that were shared with me after the class.

They told me about their struggles with weight loss (one woman had had gastric bypass surgery and the other had recently lost 50 pounds) and how these last few months of yoga had given them confidence. Since I could relate, we had a long talk about the weight issues and how yoga can help. It did my heart good to know I have made a small impact on their journey.

Pushing My Edge

I love that moment inside a yoga posture where you don't think you can go any further, you inhale, you exhale and suddenly you are there: past the edge. One of my yoga teachers calls this the "aha moment" because the breath, the movement and the posture click - it's eureka. During yoga classes, students are often told to push the edge; to go just a little further than they think is possible to find what is on the other side of the resistance to fully surrender into the posture. That resistance could be physical (tight hamstrings will make a forward bend more of a forward lean) or it could be mental (fear of falling would leave a student flat on her back rather than in headstand).

I've been stuck on my own yoga edge for the last couple of months. In October, I did a weekend training class to start the process of becoming a certified yoga teacher. In order to complete the first round, I must complete 12 hours of volunteer yoga teach. This has stumped me. Where am I going to find a group of people who want to practice yoga and are willing to do it with an untrained teacher? Not only am I mentally blocked, I have forced myself into a physical one as well. Faced with this roadblock, I slowed down my own yoga process, which has made me less confident in my ability to not only teach, but to have a serious practice.

Tonight at yoga class, though, something clicked. I was again facing my edge. And I found that, yes, I've lost some strength. Yes, it's going to take me a few weeks to ramp back up to my former practice. But, I discovered (during 20 breaths of fan posture) that not only is teaching yoga something I still want to pursue, but it is something I know I can do. So after class, I swallowed my own fear and apprehension to ask the teacher for volunteer suggestions. Conveniently enough she had just been asked to teach a group of teachers at a school, but wouldn't be able to do it. She will pass the info on to me. She also mentioned a couple of the classes might be opening up at the gym and it would be a great time for me to fill out an application. Serendipity. Edge, it's nice to see you again.